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          您所在的位置: > 劇本合作 > 小品劇本 >

          小品《麻辣相親》

          2014-05-04 22:52 來源:百度貼吧
          人物:相親男李牛,體形肥胖;相親女李爽,膚白貌美;服務員朱茍,很帥。
          地點:某飯店。
          服務員朱茍正在店里收拾,相親男突然闖入。
          服務員:請問有什么需要?
          相親男:你滾一邊去,我找你們飯店店長。
          服務員:你好,我就是本店的店長,你找我有事嗎?
          相親男:啊,你就是店長啊,我一瞅你就像啊,那個,店長,我求你幫我個忙。那啥,給你200塊錢。
          相親男伸手遞給服務員200塊錢。
          服務員:大哥,你要收購我們店啊?
          相親男:哥們你是不是虎啊,你們店就值200塊錢啊?
          服務員:那個,大哥,跟你說實話吧,我們店都快陪黃了。
          相親男:這么慘啊?那是因為啥呢?
          服務員:這不是上個月有人在我們店吃麻辣豆腐結果吃中毒了嗎,后來警察查出來不是我們的原因,但是人們還是害怕就都不來了,你看現在多冷清啊。連服務員我都炒了,里邊就剩一個廚師了,那是我媽我沒法炒。
          相親男:哦,是這樣啊,冷清點也好,省的礙事。
          服務員:對了,大哥,你找我幫什么忙啊?
          相親男:那個,是這樣的,我呢,一會和一個女的相親,但是我是第一次相親,沒經驗,完了還有點緊張。
          服務員:哦,所以你想讓我一會和那個女的相親表演給你看。
          相親男:不是,你是真虎假虎啊?我是想讓你給足我面子,證明我很有錢就完了。這樣啊,你一會稱呼我李總,然后你假裝認識我,知道我很有錢,很有權利。明白嗎?
          服務員:明白,可是一個女的就因為你有錢就能相中你嗎?
          相親男:你真是啥也不懂,那個,據不完全統計啊,80%的女性會因為金錢去傍大款。
          服務員:那剩那20%的女性呢?
          相親男:那些是已經榜上大款的。
          服務員:哦,那行,我幫你這個忙。但是,200塊錢是不是有點少啊?
          相親男又拿出50遞給服務員。
          相親男:再給你50,應該夠了吧,多符合你性格啊。
          服務員:這還差不多。
          相親男走到一個座位坐下,服務員走進廚房。
          相親男:哎呀,有點緊張啊,一會女的來了,我該怎么稱呼呢。嗯。。。。你好,小姑娘,不行,感覺有點差輩。嗯。。。。你好,小姐,不行,人家再誤會。嗯。。。。你好,小妞,不行啊,像流氓。嗯。。。你好,小不點,什么玩意啊。嗯。。。。你好,小貓咪。嗯。。。。你好,小兔子。嗯。。。。
          相親女進入飯店,走到相親男面前。
          相親女:你好!
          相親男站起來驚慌失措。
          相親男:你好,小,額,額,小狐貍。
          相親女:嗯?
          相親男:啊,請坐吧,額,小朋友。
          兩位坐下。
          相親男:那個你好,小伙伴,我自我介紹一下,我呢,叫李牛,
          今年20歲。
          相親女:啊,你好,我叫李爽。那個,你說你今年20歲,可是我怎么覺得你長得像30歲,身材像40歲,體形像50歲,聲音像60歲,坐姿像70歲啊。
          相親男:那個,小爽啊,你別開玩笑,我跟你說哈,你說的都是表面,其實我吃飯像18歲,打架像10歲,跑起來像8歲,智商像5歲。當然了我不是說我智商低,我是說我很純真。
          相親女:是挺純真的,一看你這樣,你是第一次相親吧。
          相親男:你咋知道的?
          相親女:看長相!
          相親男:不是老妹,你這不瞧不起我嗎?我跟你說,我13歲出外打工的時候,有不少女的追我呢。
          相親女:真的假的啊?
          相親男:當然是真的啊,那家伙追的啊是熱火朝天的,后來追到我的時候,問我為啥偷人家錢包。
          相親女:你偷人家錢包了?
          相親男:那都過去了,現在我可變了,我現在可是十足的高富帥啊!
          相親女:就你,高富帥?帥和富咱先不說,就你這身高還算高啊?
          相親男:怎么不高?前兩天我那個上一年級的表弟還跟我說呢,說哥你真高!
          相親女:呵呵,真高。那個,咱先點菜吧。
          相親男:好。(高喊)那個,服務員,點菜。
          服務員走出來,相親女對服務員一見鐘情。
          服務員:你好,李總,請問需要點什么?
          相親男:跟你說了多少遍了,低調,低調,怎么老叫我李總李總的,讓人聽見多不好啊,好象我顯擺似的,我是有個大公司,有幾億身家,有幾棟別墅,有幾輛車,管幾千人,也不用叫我李總啊,我是個很平易近人的人,以后不許叫我李總。
          服務員:知道了,李總,那我以后叫您什么?
          相親男:叫我牛總。
          服務員:好的,牛總。請問要點些什么?
          相親男:把你店里最好的都上來!
          服務員(沖廚房大喊):來兩份麻辣豆腐!
          相親男:不是,你們飯店最好的菜就是麻辣豆腐啊?
          服務員:是啊。
          相親男(捂嘴,小聲對著服務員):怎么回事?
          服務員(捂嘴,小聲對著相親男):不是說了嗎,我們店都快陪黃了,最好的菜就是麻辣豆腐了。
          相親男(捂嘴,小聲對著服務員):那你怎么給足我面子啊?
          服務員(捂嘴,小聲對著相親男):放心有我呢!
          相親女:你倆說什么呢?
          相親男:哦,那個啊,沒什么,那個,咋回事啊,咋就剩麻辣豆腐了呢?
          服務員:牛總,您真是貴人多忘事,你忘了,你前兩天不是把我們這的食材都買走了嗎,就剩下豆腐啦!
          相親男:哦,對啊,我忘了。
          相親女:你把菜買你家去干啥啊?
          相親男:喂豬。
          相親女:啊?
          相親男:啊,不是,是給我手底下員工,我管他們叫豬,他們不是要去野戰嘛,啊,那個,野營,所以我給他們了。
           
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