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          您所在的位置: 首頁 > 劇本合作 > 小品劇本 >

          小品《巧合》

          2015-11-21 03:04 來源:創作演出網
          小品《巧合》

          編劇:宋士新

          【版權所有,違者必究】

          創作時間:2009-10-6

          地點:某大街一角
          人物:宋祝愿,男30歲左右,荊長樂女26歲左右
          道具:兩個小椅子,一個修鞋攤位,一個招聘助理的小牌子。等等。。。
          開場(女上場)
          女:(輕唱)就在三年前,老公一去不回還,扔下我小女子,日子過的難。。。問我老公哪去了?唉,他被秘書給拐跑。。。(開始擺攤)。
          男:車禍胳膊撞骨折,腦袋屁股都縫合,司機逃逸太缺德,害得我都沒法活。你說現在這交通發達了,事故也多了,尤其是撞完就跑的,太氣人了你說。。。
          女:(天氣預報)非官方氣象臺播報告緊急雨雪臺風警報,預計未來兩天我市將出現強降雨天氣,“當”強降雨導致交通事故,不是司機的錯,都是天氣惹的禍,“當”刮大風的時候,你的老公順風跑掉,不是你的錯,都是天氣惹的禍。“當”。
          男:你拉到吧!還當當,一會桌子敲碎了,照你說交通事故不怨人,怨天氣?
          女:是啊!不行啊?
          男:那交警應該段天氣全責唄!
          女:不排除可疑條件。
          男:我看你是胡說八道。。。還緊急臺風警報,擔心老公趁機跑掉,你說就象我這樣地,你就刮12級臺風,把我周“南非”去也沒人要啊!是不是啊!
          女:(用手一指)就大哥這“風度”臺風把你刮到那,都得搶購一空。
          男:得了吧!啥風度啊,其實我就是灌肚子風了,(動作)總咳嗽。
          女:哈哈,那你肚子里的風也是從我這灌的吧!
          男:(屁音配音)這都是風啊!(女笑)你笑啥呀,你在笑一會刮沙塵暴了。
          女:我可沒那兩下子,我就是一個修鞋地。
          男:(看看招聘牌子)不是我說就你一個修破鞋地,還招聘呢!
          女:唉唉唉,你說話注意點,我是修鞋地,不是修破鞋。
          男:妹子,鞋要不破誰能來修啊!是不是!再說,你這胎位(攤位)也不正啊!
          女:(有點急,站起來)你說什么呢你!
          男:我是說你的“攤”位置不正,擺歪了。。。(雙手一擺)
          女:(瞟了男一眼,看看了自己得攤)還真有點不正(用手正了一下小桌子,從新坐下)。
          男:我就說嗎!唉,對了,我鞋還真壞了,你給修修吧!(脫下鞋)
          女:(拿過鞋看,開始修鞋)開膠了,沾上吧!
          男:好!對了,妹子你這招聘什么啊!
          女:男助理。
          男:男助理都做什么啊?
          女:就是幫我修鞋,給我打雜。
          男:那還得住你這里啊?
          女:說什么呢,不住這里。
          男:那住那!住你家?
          女:瞅你那山炮樣吧!
          男:我是坐地炮。
          女:助理,就是幫助打理的意思。明白不?
          男:哦,明白了。那有什么要求嗎?
          女:有啊!(站起來)我對助理的要求是:活靈活現,聰明能干,帥氣男生,無需經驗。
          男:(搖頭)我感覺你這不是招助理!
          女:那象什么?
          男:這條件,好像在選“密友”。
          女:(好奇地問)啥叫“密友”。
          男:“密友”就是私密朋友,說白了在關鍵時刻可以“臨時代替老公”。沒事的時候打電話一聯系,咔咔地,搞點小動作啥地。。。明白了嗎?
          女:(低頭不好意思地說)優秀男士倒是可以考慮的哦!
          男:你這是“心懷有鬼”。
          女:大哥,我心里沒鬼,我是“心懷不軌”
          男:看看出軌了吧!
          女:嗨!!!都是生活逼迫啊!
          男:生活逼迫你出來招聘助理了?
          女:是的。。。
          男:(疑問地說)那你老公會同意嗎?
          女:(很委屈地說)大哥一言難盡啊!我老公他“長江一去不復返了。”
          男:(動作)“他跳水了?”
          女:是和“秘書”。(用手比劃)
          男:和秘書一起跳的。
          女:咋那么笨呢!(看了男一眼)就是私奔了。
          男:哦,(面向觀眾)我以為“咕咚咚”了呢!原來租出去了。
          女:恩,可我是無償出租啊!郁悶那。
          男:那你還想收點租賃費唄!妹子,想開點吧!這就是生活。。。
          女:有時生活真的很無奈,我現在對生活是“三九天吃冰棍”。
          男:怎么講?
          女:“寒心了”。
          男:你現在的情況是應該招個助理。妹子,(到女跟前)你看看象我這樣的應聘助理能行不?
          女:你?
          男:恩!!!
          女:(用手指男)你什么情況啊?
          男:我叫宋祝愿,(女看男胳膊)胳膊剛拆線。
          女:送去住醫院了!呵呵。。。
          男:我的名字是給別人送去祝福和愿望。沒成想這回把自己送去住醫院了。
          女:“一腳踢出個屁---湊巧了!”
          男:沒踢也放出來了。妹子,你怎么稱呼啊?
          女:我叫經常樂(荊長樂)。
          男:經常樂,你老公跑了你還樂呢!
          女:那我還經常哭啊!
          男:那你應該是“哭笑不得”。
          女:大哥真幽默,可以這么理解,那你是怎么傷的啊 ?
          男:唉。。。妹子別提了,那天早上下著小雨,我去單位上班,被一輛逆行車給撞倒,司機竟然開車跑了。
          女:又是天氣惹的禍,大哥也太缺德了。
          男:恩???
          女:不是,是那逃逸的司機太不道德了,簡直是沒有人性啊!
          男:誰說不是呢!“老鴰喝墨水”。
          女:怎么講?
          男:“從外黑到心那”我這一出車禍工作也丟了。
          女:那你老婆怎么不照顧你啊!
          男:妹子,不瞞你說,我老婆的位置還在,可是“人”跑了。
          女:呵呵,這事咋都讓你攤上了。
          男:嗨!郁悶那,用你的話說,這都是天氣惹的禍啊 !
          女:哈哈。大哥,你也夠可憐的了,什么都別說了,我決定錄用你了。
          男:(用手指自己)錄用我?
          女:是啊!
          男:妹子,我不行,我做人不成功。
          女:我覺得你這個人實在,挺好的。
          男:好啥呀!我現在連住的地方都沒有了。
          女:俗話說;路見不平,拔刀相住!我那有間閑房你先住著吧!
          男:我不敢住。
          女:為啥?
          男:我怕你拔刀扎住我呀!                                                                                          
          女:沒事,我不宰你,不收你房租。
          男:那我不占你便宜了嗎?
          女:沒關系的,誰還不行遇見點難事呢!
          男:(伸手要和女握手,被小凳子絆了一下,差點倒在女的懷里)誒呀!
          女:慢點!(扶了一下男)
          男:妹子,太感謝謝你了,(有不好意思了)
          女:(不好意思地說)客氣啥呀!
          男:呵呵。(突然電話響了,接電話)你好,李警官,好的,我馬上過去,謝謝您,再見。。。(撂下電話,揣進兜里)妹子我得去趟交警隊,撞我的車找到了。
          女:是啊!太好了。我和你一起去。
          男:不麻煩你了,領導。
          女:看你說的,既然你拿我當領導,那你的事就是我的事!我能不管你嗎?
          男:呵呵,讓你費心了。
          女:費啥心那,我說的都是“肺腑之言”!
          男:我知道你是“肺腑發炎”,心和腸子都是好的!
          女:(推了男一下)別廢話了,幫我收攤吧!
          男:你在這等會,我去一下一會就回來。
          女:哎,我說你咋說話不算數呢!不是說好了一起去的嗎?
          男:妹子,你不能去啊!
          女:為啥?
          男:我去趟男廁所。。。
          女:去你的。
          男:好,誒呀!我這是“口渴遇見清泉水!命好”。
          女:說啥呢!快走吧。把鞋換上(把鞋扔給男,男穿上)
          合:(女:一雙舊鞋,破鏡能圓,男:當上助理,彼此成全。)
          劇終(有待于進一步修改)

          作者:宋士新
          2009.10.06


           【如有合作聯系本站,QQ:249845813,397844021】

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